Home is where your story begins...: Happy Mothers Day, Mom.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom...
I am sure Heaven is beautiful and even more so today on Mothers day. I know you were with us today, even Jackson saw you and reminded us to be still and look for you. In church today he stopped in his busy tracks and said "there's MomMom..." I smiled and whispered, "where baby, where is she?" He smiled and pointed to the big screens in church and said, "rite dare mommy, rite dare in the pink flowers."Were you there, YES ... you were, you there in church looking at Papa, Grandma, Justin, Jackson, Me and the rest of the congregation of Shepherd of the Desert... Of course you were, you were there smiling and thinking, "that's my beautiful Jackson and his family continuing their walk with Jesus, to some day be here with me in this BEAUTIFUL paradise with our Lord. I looked up at the screens and sure enough there were PINK FLOWERS on the screens as Lon Kruger sang a beautiful song. Oh, how you loved to hear him sing....

God I miss you so much, I miss you in the morning when I wake up, I miss you when I drop Jackson off at his school in the morning, I miss you when I start my day, sitting at my desk thinking, "what does today hold for me?" I miss you Mom when I go down to the gym and work out instead of calling you to see how your morning with Jackson has been thus far. Mom, I miss our afternoon chats A LOT, whether it be just a chat about Jackson and Amalia or about some idiot that thinks they are not at fault for a rear end accident, I miss you, Did you know I am know an injury adjuster?!?!?! The positing that I did not see myself in for a long time?!?!? Well, I finally made it, I am in the position that I thought would take years to get to. I talk to you when I am trucking away on the elliptical sweating my head off even though my conversations may seem very one sided or very selfish, I am just trying to fill you in on the latest of my day and my happenings. I miss you when I get off work...I miss coming to your home and picking up Jackson after you have had him all day and I miss hearing about how excited he was to sit on Papa's lap and have lunch with Papa and Amalia before laying down to take his nap. Have you guessed how much I miss you?!?! I miss you to the moon and back...

I often think "what if Mom came back to earth, would she realize how much Jackson has grown or how much our lives have changed?" We now have Suri Rose...and what a blessing she has been to us all. Did you know that Jackson is in a big boy bed now and he STAYS in it and does not get out of it. When he wakes up, he plays in his bed and when he is done he calls out "Mommy, Jack's awake!" He would make you more proud today than he did yesterday and I know that you would love him more and more everyday. YES, there are those challenging moments, but I would not trade them for the world. My favorite saying right now is when Jackson says, "Mommy, I wulf you to da moon and back..." He melts my heart every time. His heart is of gold and his smile could stop traffic. He is my light and my strength to keep trucking on, But I will not lie I feel like a part of me is missing not being able to share it with you. He talks about you often, whether it be randomly when we are driving (which makes me tear up enough almost to cause an accident, but no worries I drive extra safe....heck isn't that what all injury adjusters do?!?!? PLUS I have the most precious cargo ever...) or when we are laying in bed and saying his prayers. Did you know he can say "Now a lay me ..."? He loves, loves,LOVES to say his prayers at night. He never forgets to look up at the ceiling and say good night to you MomMom and he always reminds you how much he misses you. I LOVE it when he tells you that he thinks you are "Beautiful"...cause you were...and you are!

Shannon and Suri Rose are doing so wonderful and you would be so happy...your wish came true....SHANNON smiles DAILY...and most days she smiles and laughs more than once!!!!!! Suri was the missing piece to her puzzle. Mom, Suri didn't get to know the "physical you" and that is ok..(well it has to be ok, as I really do not know the other option)...just please be present in the "spiritual you" with her. She is such a blessing to us and to Shannon and all I would hope for is her to be like you. I know you got 29 days in Heaven with her before God sent her to us here on earth, and I know that is not enough time to give some one all your wisdom or strength but it was time that you got to cradle her in your love and protect her from the world's sin and craziness. I just hope that your grand kids get to know what a wonderful woman you were, I do not want to say it will be from the example that us as their mothers show them, as we are far from perfect or even like you...but I do hope that you will come back to visit them regularly and come back to Shannon and I when we are struggling and thinking, what is this "motherhood thing" all about?!??! You were the best mom, role model, mentor, friend, confidant, person anyone could ever ask for. I know I always thought you were pretty "cool" but man oh man the stories that I have heard from other friends and family members makes everything I KNEW of you seem so small. You were SO much MORE than just what I knew. You were so much to EVERYONE.

Mom, please be with Ashley and Don. I worry so much about Ashley, not just because she is my little sister but because she is so much more than that. I hate that I got 28 years with you and she only got 26, I hate that I got to laugh through labor with you and she did not. I hate that I got to have you where when I brought Jackson home from the hospital to have and to lean on and when she has a baby she will not have that. I promise just like what we talked about before you passed that I will be there for her and for my family and that I would be as much of a leaning post to them as you were always for me. I will not lie, it has not been easy....I have broken down with fists to the heavens and head against the ground, crying out, "why me, why us, its not fair....? God give her back to us, don't you see how bad we are struggling...don't you see NOW that you took her from us TOO early and how bad WE need her????" But with time I realize that you are where you were always supposed to be... with your father; Jesus Christ.

Mom, I still miss you on the daily and I have asked God to bring you back to me; even for one last fight...but he doesn't...instead he reminds me daily of how luck I was to have you and how lucky I was to know you and how lucky I am to call you my mother.

Mom I miss you more today than I did yesterday BUT not as much as I will tomorrow...and for that I am ok with for now....You are with me from the heavens and what a great view it must be...but please when I speed or yell at Jackson can you at that time just turn over and watch Shannon and Suri?!?!? She is an amazing mother.

Happy 1st Mothers day in Heaven....It has to be the BEST Mothers day yet!
Love Always.... your Lindsay Loo La Bell